Yuki and Kakeru's Cooking Adventure!
by Forestwater
Summary: When Yuki's attempt to make Machi dinner goes horribly wrong, Ayame and Kakeru decide they must save Yuki by teaching him how . . . to cook! Chaos follows. Couples: YukiMachi, a little KyoTohru.
1. The Dinner

This is just a little thing. I read in a Fruits Basket fan book that Yuki's sooo terrible at cooking, and that he's really clumsy with his hands. And he can't admit he sucks at cooking. So I decided to do a little somefink with that. And this was born. It's also just to play with characters and relationships. Please tell me what you think! Oh, and they're really short, which is kind of good, I think.

* * *

**Chapter One**

Yuki smiled at his girlfriend, Machi. She blushed slightly, tucking her hair behind her ear and shyly returning the grin. She really was beautiful, in an understated way. Her brown hair was sleek and shiny, and her dark eyes held a little sparkle that not many people could see. He leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Hey," he whispered. "I have a present for you."

She stared at him patiently, her brown eyes curious.

His smile grew. "I have cooked us a wonderful, romantic dinner."

Machi's eyes lit up. "Really?" She'd been wondering why he'd invited her over to his house on such short notice; she was touched by the gesture. "I didn't know you could cook."

Yuki laughed uneasily, rubbing the back of his neck — a nervous habit. "Heh, about that. . . ."

She shook her head. "It'll be fine."

"Hah!" From the next room over — which Yuki had told her was where his cousin Shigure slept— came the sound of a derisive snort.

"What . . . ?" she wondered aloud, glancing toward Shigure's room.

"Nothing," Yuki replied. "Trust me."

Machi was then distracted when he kissed her, gently cupping her face in his hands. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him toward her, marveling in how happy she was, and how much she loved him, and how much he loved her, and —

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP!

Machi pulled away, surprised. "What is that?" she murmured.

Yuki looked confused for a moment. Then he swore, leapt off the couch and sprinted for the kitchen. "The turkey!"

She followed him. It was completely filled with smoke. On the ceiling the fire alarm was going crazy. "This doesn't look good," she muttered to herself, then coughed as more smoke poured from the oven. Yuki had cautiously opened the oven door, and peered in. Putting on some oven mitts he found lying in the sink, he pulled out the turkey.

"OW!" The wet oven mitts conducted way more heat than he thought possible. Shouting obscenities, he dropped the turkey on the counter and stared at it. Machi poked the charred black lump with a fork. It made a wet, squishy sound.

"It's . . . gelatinous." She looked up at him. "What did you _do _to it?"

Yuki shrugged. "I just did what the instructions said." He pointed at the oven. "I blame the oven."

Machi sighed. She went over to the counter. "Yuki, how long were you supposed to cook it?"

"An hour, I think."

"Yeah. You set the timer for ten hours." She laughed and patted his shoulder. "Do you always suck this much at cooking?"

"Yes." The answer came from an attractive young man with long black hair. He was dressed in very traditional clothes. "You should see the things he's managed to screw up. It's pathetic! First, there was the curry fiasco —"

"Shigure," Yuki said in a dangerously low voice. "What did I tell you was the _one thing _I wanted you to do tonight?"

Shigure looked puzzled. "Stay the hell away from you two?" he asked.

"So you understand that?"

Shigure nodded.

"So what is wrong with this picture?" Yuki gestured to indicate the entire situation.

Shigure wrinkled his nose. "That turkey smells like burned feet?"

Yuki glared at Shigure, who smiled in mock enlightenment. "Ah, yes. I am in your way, aren't I? So sorry about that." He shrugged, leaning against the doorway. "However, since I'm here, why don't I keep you two company? I'll be like . . . a chaperone. Keep you from being _inappropraite _toward this lovely young high school girl --"

Yuki stepped toward his cousin. "Get out, or I will beat you within an inch of your life," he whispered, so that Machi wouldn't hear.

Shigure cocked his head to the side. "How would you measure that, exactly?"

"Get OUT!" He threw the protesting Shigure out of the room. "Sorry about him. He's . . ." Yuki shook his head. "Impossible." He turned back to the turkey. "Maybe we can still salvage it —"

Machi took his hand, leading him towards the door. "Let's go out," she suggested.

"Yeah, let me just clean this up."

"Don't let him do it, Machi!" Shigure's voice floated into the kitchen. "He's even worse at cleaning up than he is at cooking!"

Machi stepped forward hastily. "I'll do it." Although, she was no better at cleaning than Yuki was. She picked up the pan, then groaned. "You didn't put something down under the pan," she told him.

"And that's . . . bad?"

She held up the pan to show him. On the counter were four black scorch marks.

He winced. "Oops. I'll get that." He dug through a cabinet and found some sort of cleaning spray. "How do I turn this — whoa!" The soapy spray hit him in the face. Spluttering and swearing, he wiped off his face, glaring at the bottle.

Machi grabbed his hand again. "Let's go out," she repeated, and dragged him out of the kitchen.

* * *

It's . . . a little slow. But i think it's funny. I may be the only person in world who does, but who cares? please review! there is no reason not to. 


	2. The Intervention

Chapter two! Oh, the fun!  
poor aaya and his innate royal character.

* * *

**Chapter Two**

Yuki was sitting on his bed, reading a book, when an all-too-familiar voice rang through the house.

"Oh little brother! Where are you, mon frère magnifique!" Ayame Sohma appeared in the doorway, grinning at Yuki, whose expression was one of pure exasperation.

"Not you," Yuki mumbled, dropping his head into one hand. Ayame continued, unbothered by his brother's reaction.

"Ah, here you are! Reading a book!" Ayame clapped his hands over his heart. "How like you! Constantly learning about the world we live in! Of course, if you need any pointers, I am always here, eager to serve my beloved Yuki!" Ayame plopped onto his bed. "Alas, my dear frère, we need to talk."

Yuki raised his eyebrows. This should be interesting.

"It was has come to my attention that your cooking skills are . . . rather pathetic!" Ayame laughed his irritating, "HA HA HA!" laugh before resuming an air of solemnity. "However, I am here for you. And so is Black-kun. Black-kun, come in!"

Yuki's best friend and pain-in-the-neck vice president strode confidently into the room. "Yun-yun!" he exclaimed. "I hear you've got some trouble with the ladies and I am here to help you out!" On the last three words, he snapped his fingers, for emphasis, Yuki could only assume. Kakeru sat down on the floor, putting his chin on Yuki's knee. "Talk to me, princess. I am here to save Machi's and your relationship."

Yuki stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

Kakeru sighed, shaking his head. "Denial," he said knowingly to Ayame.

"Denial," Ayame agreed.

"What?" Yuki repeated. "Will you two just stop blathering and explain what's going on?!"

Kakeru and Ayame exchanged meaningful looks, then both turned to Yuki. "We know about last night's fiasco."

"Really."

"Yes," Kakeru answered, "and we are here to teach you how . . . to cook!"

"Dun-dun-_dun_!" Ayame added for effect.

Yuki blinked at them both, struck dumb by their sheer stupidity.

Ayame laughed. "Of course, Yuki! I know how speechless you are with joy and wonder! And I promise that I will do anything in my power to teach you how to make delicious food!" His face fell slightly. "Unfortunately, my innate royal character is too magnificent for the paltry tasks of the culinary arts. That's why Black-kun is here."

Kakeru grinned and waved.

Yuki sighed. "There's nothing wrong with the way I cook. All I need is the right motivation."

Kakeru looked thoughtful. "So Machi isn't enough motivation for you to do well. Hmm . . . that's interesting."

Yuki let that sink in for a moment. It didn't amke him sound too good. "Maybe I _do _need some help. . . ."

"YES!" He leapt into the air. "Come on, Yun-Yun!"

Yuki sighed. "What did I get myself into?"

Kakeru held out the recipe to Yuki. "This is the recipe. Just soup. Soup's pretty easy to make. I'm going to supervise, and help if it looks like you need it."

A soft footstep made them both turn around. Shigure and Kyo were leaning against the wall, watching with amusement.

"Don't mind us," Kyo said casually.

"We're just going to watch you two fail to handle this," Shigure added.

Kakeru rolled his eyes. "Don't listen to them," he said. "I am confident that you can handle this."

"I'm not!" Kyo added brightly.

Kakeru handed Yuki the recipe. "Get to work."

* * *

(laughs) Somehow, Kakeru's gotten it into his head that Yuki and Machi's relationship will fall apart wthout cooking skills. Only i know that this is NOT TRUE! it's just good ol' manabe being good ol' manabe. and ayame _really_ means that he never bothered to leanr how to cook, since i assume mine does all cooking for him. 


	3. Dumb and Dumber in the Kitchen

**Chapter Three**

"Hello!" Tohru called brightly, poking her head into the kitchen, where Yuki was staring helplessly at an onion. "What's Yuki-kun doing?"

"Destroying my house," Shigure replied mournfully.

"Okay!" Kakeru said, handing Yuki a container of salt. "The broth's heating. Just add the salt it tells you to." He stood back, crossing his arms.

Tohru looked around the room, confused. Yuki and Kakeru were both dressed in her pink aprons, concentrating very hard on something. Kyo was sitting at the table, a fire extinguisher in his lap. Shigure was behind Kyo, moaning about his house being ruined by some stupid boys in aprons.

Behind Tohru, Haru raised one eyebrow. "What are you doing, Yuki?" he asked coolly.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Yuki answered tersely, scooping salt out of a container and into the pot of simmering broth.

Kakeru was suddenly at Yuki's side. "What are you doing!" he exclaimed in horror.

Yuki sighed. "Why does everyone keep asking me that? I'm cooking, damn it!"

"No! You were supposed to add a _teaspoon _of salt, not a cup!"

"Oh . . ." It took him a second for that to click. "_OH_."

They both stared into the pot. A mountain of salt sat in the bottom, slowly dissolving.

"What do we do?" Kakeru asked.

They looked at each other for a long moment. Then in unison cried, "SCOOP IT OUT!" Armed with ladles and spoons, they frantically scooped out pile after pile of salt, flinging it over each other and the kitchen, swearing whenever it got in their faces.

"I think we got it all," Yuki said, peering into the pot.

Kakeru rolled his eyes. "Just add the onion." He turned and went into the pantry in search of pepper.

Yuki eyed the onion warily. He was supposed to add the onion, so . . . He dropped the entire onion into the pot, watching it sink below the surface. A second later it popped back up.

He glanced back at the directions. "Stir green onion . . ." He didn't bother reading the rest of it. That was all he needed to know. Finally feeling like he may have done something right, he began stirring vigorously. So vigorously, in fact, that some of the soup splashed up and hit him in the eye. "Ah! My eye!" Clapping one hand over it, he continued stirring the soup, ignoring the drops that flew all over the kitchen.

Kakeru returned, holding the bottle of pepper. "Is that an onion?" he asked incredulously.

"Yep," Yuki replied, wincing as some broth splashed up onto his arm. "I'm stirring it into the soup."

Kakeru looked back at the directions. "You were supposed to chop it. And put it into eggs. And add _that _into the soup."

"Oh."

"Didn't you read the directions?"

"I . . . _skimmed_ the directions."

"Yuki? Don't skim." Kakeru sighed. "I really hate to say this, but I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back as soon as I can." He shook his head. "Don't do anything too stupid while I'm gone."

Yuki gave him an annoyed look. "I'll be fine," he snapped.

Kakeru glanced around the already messy kitchen and clapped his hands together. "Please don't let him explode, implode, burn, freeze, melt, or otherwise ruin anything," he prayed quickly. Then, with another defeated sigh, he left, dodging the wooden spoon Yuki threw at him.

Yuki thought Kakeru was being unfair. _Please. I can _do _this, _he told himself. _Now, it says two eggs. What am I supposed to do with the eggs?_

He remembered reading something about putting eggs in the microwave, but he couldn't remember what it said. Figuring it said to do it, he put both eggs on a paper towel. Just to be safe, he placed some aluminum foil over them. _There, _he thought with satisfaction. _This is easy._

Behind him, the aluminum foil began to spark, and a cracking noise came from the two eggs.

* * *

Kakeru left the bathroom and found Kyo standing outside the kitchen. "What are you doing out here?" Kakeru asked in surprise.

Kyo jerked his head at the door. "Stupid rat — I mean, Yuki — put some eggs in the microwave."

Kakeru muttered an oath.

Kyo laughed. "It gets better."

"How?"

Kyo just smiled and gestured to the kitchen. Kakeru pushed past him and burst into the kitchen.

It was filled with smoke. Yuki was holding a charred . . . something. Kakeru couldn't really tell what it was. He was playing some sort of one-person version of hot potato; yelping in pain, he tossed the thing from hand to hand. Kakeru snatched the thing out of the air and dropped it on the counter with a cry. It was a piece of aluminum foil. He held it up. "What are you doing with this?"

Yuki shrugged. "Cooking eggs."

"You don't _cook_ eggs."

Yuki's expression grew defensive. "I know that _now_. But when I put it in the microwave. . . ." He held open the microwave door so that Kakeru could see for himself. The eggs were a gooey, sticky, melty mess that covered the entire microwave. They had exploded. Kakeru looked at it and sighed. He pulled two more eggs out of the fridge, dug out a bowl, and handed them, along with a fork, to Yuki.

"Mix that." Yuki started to, but then Kakeru interrupted. "But gently!" Again Yuki lifted the fork, but Kakeru said, "Crack the eggs before you mix them!"

Kakeru was about to say more, but Yuki covered his mouth with his hand. "Just shut up and let me do this," he said. "I can do this."

Kakeru rolled his eyes but didn't say anything.

* * *

Kakeru sighs a lot, which is weird, because Yuki's usually the one sighing at Kakeru. Finally, something Kakeru is better than Yuki at!  
Also, this is something Kyo is better at than Yuki. If i were kyo, i'd be cooking all the time, being like, "HAHA! I can do this and you can't, SUCKAH!"  
But that's just me.  
P.S. Kudos to whoever can guess which one's dumb and which one's dumber. it will be revealed in the next chapter, tho, so don't fret if it's too hard. 


	4. The Verdict

**Chapter Four**

Kakeru and Yuki collapsed onto chairs an hour later. Both were dirty, exhausted, and a little singed.

"Okay," Kakeru said, gazing into the pot in front of them. "It's been two hours. The kitchen's a mess. I've got several pretty serious burns, one of which looks like a squirrel — we've named it Miriam. But none of that matters, because if this succeeds, then that means that Yuki can create _something_ — sort of." He picked up the ladle, and looked around the room at Tohru, Haru, Kyo, and Shigure (who had returned once it was clear that the kitchen wasn't going to explode). "Bottoms up." With everyone's eyes focused eagerly on him, he took a large spoonful of the soup, his expression unreadable.

After a few tense moments, Yuki impatiently demanded, "_Well?_"

Kakeru nodded. Then a wide grin spread across his face, and he leapt to his feet. "Soup! The man made soup!" He grabbed Yuki's wrist and thrust it into the air, dancing around in circles. Yuki just sighed, hiding how relieved and pleased he actually was.

Tohru dipped one finger in the soup hesitantly and licked it. "This is good, Yuki-kun!" she said.

"Should be, it took him forever," Kyo muttered, unreasonably jealous. Tohru smiled tolerantly and took his hand, resting her head on his shoulder. Kyo's look softened.

"You need something to commemorate this moment!" Kakeru said, glancing around the kitchen for something. He picked up the burnt and bent piece of aluminum foil and held it out to Yuki. "Here!"

Yuki stared at it blankly. "What is this for?"

"Memories, my dear boy! _Memories!_" Kakeru put one arm around Yuki's shoulders. "Remember this little piece of metal?"

"No, after a full fifty minutes I forgot," Yuki said sarcastically.

Kakeru continued as though Yuki hadn't spoken. "You put it in the microwave and it caught on fire. And then you dropped it on the counter and a towel caught on fire. And then your apron caught on fire. And then —"

"I really hope this is going somewhere."

"It is! This little foil shows all your efforts today!"

"Couldn't we just look around at the kitchen, which — let's face it — will never be completely clean _or _unscathed after this?"

"No we can't. You must have this." Kakeru was struck by inspiration and put the foil on Yuki's head, where it balanced like a metal pancake. "There! It's a hat!"

"No." As he shook his head, the foil fluttered to the floor. Kakeru picked it up.

"Come on. It's for the memories!"

"Trust me, I'll never forget this."

"Just put it on!"

"_No_!"

"Do it, Yun-Yun!"

"Go to hell!"

"I'll glue it onto your head!" To Kyo he said, "Get some glue."

Kyo reached over and pulled the glue away from Tohru, who was trying to glue together a pot that had been a casualty of Yuki and Kakeru's cooking adventure.

"But . . . !" Tohru began.

"We just need it for a minute," Kakeru explained, slathering the back with glue. "Oh, YUN-YUN!"

Yuki took one look at the gluey foil and backed up, so that the table was between them. "Get that away from me."

Kakeru sighed, putting the foil down.

Yuki relaxed.

Kakeru lunged across the table, trying to put the aluminum on Yuki's head. He missed, slapping it onto his cheek instead.

Yuki blinked, incredulous. He put one hand on the foil and tugged gently. It didn't come off.

"A-_HA_!" Kyo let out one loud, triumphant laugh and then started cracking up. Kakeru shook his head in mock sadness.

"It's your fault, Yun-Yun."

Yuki glared at Kakeru. He tugged harder on the foil, which didn't budge. "I'm supposed to go to _school _like this?"

"Well, that's . . . your problem." His voice trailed off as he realized that that wasn't really true.

Yuki yanked as hard as possible, and the foil came off. So did some skin. "Holy SHIT!" he shouted. There was a bright red circle on his face.

"Look on the bright side," Kakeru insisted. "At least you won't have to shave there for like a week."

"That's the bright side?"

"Sure." Kakeru looked thoughtful for a moment. "We still have to do something about that foil."

"Don't come anywhere near me with glue."

"No, I'm not that stupid."

"Could have fooled me," Yuki replied, crossing his arms.

Kakeru suddenly leapt up, using a fork to make a hole into the foil and weaving string through the hole. "Ta-DAA!"

Yuki squinted. "What the hell is that?"

"A memento."

"That's a necklace."

"Wrong!" Kakeru stuck his finger in Yuki's face. "It's a _man_-necklace."

"What makes it _man_?"

"It's a necklace. And you're a man — sort of."

Yuki's eye twitched with barely controlled anger.

"So it's a _man_-necklace." He walked over to Haru, who didn't flinch, even as Kakeru held up all the chains Haru wore. "See? _Man_-necklaces."

"I don't do necklaces."

"If you don't, I'll glue something else to you."

Yuki glared, but snatched the necklace, pulling it over his head.

"There! Now you're _man_-pretty!"

"I'm going to kill you."

Kakeru put one hand over his face. "No, Yun-Yun! You can't! We haven't even discussed erotic videos yet, remember?"

"We will _never_ discuss erotic videos."

"Riiiight." Kakeru winked knowingly at Yuki.

Yuki's face was deadpan. "Don't wink at me."

"Riiiight." He winked again.

"Stop that."

"Make me."

"Maybe I will."

"Bring it."

Yuki suddenly remembered everyone else in the room. _Damn! _he thought, embarrassed. "Maybe later."

"You can't just do that! You can't give up! You're don't deserve this _man_-necklace!" He smacked the back of Yuki's head.

"Agh, my _man_-flesh!" Yuki said.

Kakeru raised one eyebrow. "_Man_-flesh?"

"I don't know!" Yuki cried, confused. "I thought we were adding _man _to things!"

"That's a good idea! Come, Yun-Yun! We will leave via the _man-_door!" Kakeru began pulling Yuki to the front door. "Bye, _man_-Sohmas! And . . . _man_-Tohru, I guess!"

"Eh??" Tohru asked, confused.

"WHY YOU LITTLE —" Kyo started to rise from his chair.

"See? This is someone who'll respond to a challenge!" Kakeru said. To Kyo, he added, "Bring it!"

"It's been _brought_!"

"I'm going to miss my house," Shigure said sorrowfully.

Yuki grabbed Kakeru by the ear and hauled him outside.

* * *

Aw, isn't it cute? You know it is! cookies for phil, who came up with the "bring it!" "it's been brought!" thing (or at least brought it to my attention). and to jacob, who was the first one to put _man_ before random words.  
and, fyi: dumb is kakeru, and dumber is yuki. kind of obvious, but whatever. 


End file.
